BridgeFM have a Laugh Time its Free

Rocket Scientist

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.

Arrangements were made.

But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."

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Fluffy Bunny Rabbit

After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead.

Chris panicked!

"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.

So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.

Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.

A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.

"Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked.

"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.

The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage!"
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From a friend in Canada

The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests for this summer.

They're urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.

Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear and Grizzly Bear excrement.

Black Bear excrement is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit seeds and/or squirrel fur in it.

Grizzly Bear excrement has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray.

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Tasmanians.... or accountants   John July 03

Greg has been in the accounting business for 25 years and is finally
sick of the stress.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Tasmania as far from

humanity as possible.

Greg sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.  After six months or so of
almost
total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his
door.

He opens it and there is a big bearded Tasmanian standing there.

"Name's Jacko....Your neighbor from four miles over the
ridge....Having
a party Saturday.... Thought you might like to come."

"Great", says Greg, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank You."

As Jacko is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some
drinkin'."

"Not a problem....After 25 years in the accounting business, I can
drink
with the best of them." Says Greg.

Again, as he starts to leave Jacko stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be
some
fightin' too."

Damn, Greg thinks....Tough crowd.  "Well, I get along with people.
I'll
be there. Thanks again."

Once again, Jacko turns from the door. "I've seen some pretty wild
sex
at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Greg, "Remember, I've been alone for
six
months! I'll definitely be there...By the way, What should I wear?"

Jacko stops at the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just
gonna
be the two of us."

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July 03 Tom
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
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Rich
Why don't women fart as much as men?
Because they don't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

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Kim July 03

This man is walking his dog, he sees a pub on the corner and decides to go in for a drink. When he gets inside the owner comes up to him and tells him dogs aren't allowed. " But this is a seeing eye dog, I'm blind". So the owner sits him down and gets him a free drink.

As he's walking out he sees his friend walking his dog. He tells him of the free drink. His friend walks into the pub and the owner comes over and tells him dogs aren't allowed. He says " But this is a seeing eye dog, I'm blind". He says "but your dog is a chiuwawa."

He says" They gave me a chiuwawa!"
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Charles july 2003
A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession.

The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that."

The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!"

The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS??!!"
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Val July 2003

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ...........

"Let's put all these Frosties back in the box."

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Jim  July 2003

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.

She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.

As luck would have it, they matched.
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Denise

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word definitely' in a sentence?"

First little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange depending on the weather."

Second, a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn many trees are brown or gold," said the teacher.

Little Matthew, from the back of the class, stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Matthew! That's disgusting, of course not!!!"

"OK... then I DEFINITELY shit my pants."

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Greg

These 2 cows are standing in a paddock. They strike up a conversation, as cows are want to do.

"Hi, how are you?"
"Good, how are you"
"Oh, pretty good. . . actually that's not quite true. I'm a little worried really"
"Good heavens, why. What could you have to worry about?"
"Well, it's Mad Cow Disease, actually"
"But we're in Australia; it's not going to effect us"
"You never know. Viruses are very good at traveling. You can never be sure where they're going to turn up next. To be honest, I can't believe you're not concerned yourself"
"About Mad Cow disease?"
"Yeah"
"Well it's not really my problem is it"
"Why not!"
"Well I'm a rabbit"
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Jess July

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.

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Greg july

If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?
EUROPEAN

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John 2003

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack". The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person". He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist".